Confession 9

Starting October 31st and lasting until November 20th, Mercury will be in its “retrograde” period, and it will seem to wreck havoc in all areas of communication, technology, and transportation. Many will seek to batten down their hatches or move extremely slow during this period as to not find themselves on the wrong side of Mercury’s backward travel path. I, on the other hand, am choosing this to mark the beginning of the rest of my beautifully expanding life where I can to intently choose to take back my power and rebuild, using Mercury’s energy as fuel.

In a very real way, I think MRx has gotten a bad rap from us because we have been refusing to embrace the work we are being called to do during this time: REVISIT, REVIEW, RELEASE! And with this particular MRx happening in the house of Scorpio, this time or RRR is meant to be focused on YOU and YOUR SHADOW! Such a scary prospect, right? And to have it start on Samhain/Halloween to boot.

But as I said… This is our time to choose. We can either decide to take the step into our fullness starting with clear and concise inventory of Self. Or we can decide to cower away like we’ve done in the past and hand the reigns of your Life over to an Other who has no real investment in us and our growth. Free will is a beautiful thing, isn’t it?

So what’s it gonna be, Readers? Make space for your grace and resurgence, or stay stuck in The Valley of Comfortable Discomfort? Personally, The Path is now my catwalk and I’m Naomi Strutting my way back to where I know I belong, using this MRx period as my springboard. I suggest you do the same.

Choosing To WERK!

Confession 8

For weeks on end I kept feeling as if I was going to get an early morning call or message telling me that someone I loved had transitioned. I don’t know if it’s because I’ve suffered so much loss over the past year and was on this hyper-vigilant watch for the other, more tragic shoe to drop. On Thursday, October 24th, 2019, I received such a message, and it was my baby brother who was the subject of the devastating news. This news came on the tail end of my altar fire and Mr. McKinnon leaving, as well as the news that a very dear friend and co-worker had lost his brother the morning before, so you can imagine how raw I was feeling and just over the top done with hurting. I immediately requested bereavement leave from work and two days later I got my transformative reading, and from there I’ve been doing a lot of soul searching and cleansing work. One of the things that keeps coming up is being mindful of just how good my Life is despite my losses. But even more than that, I have been grappling with the topic of being the toxicity in someone else’s Life… The very foundation of Shadow Work, in my opinion, and the most painful.

I haven’t really spoken with my brother in four years. I received a text message picture from him last year when he got married, but beyond that we really didn’t communicate. There wasn’t any love lost or anything, we just didn’t talk. A couple months ago my father, who is his father as well, asked me why that was. Defensively, I stated that I was not interested in contacting either of my brothers (I have an older brother who’s my mother’s child) because I was tired of being the person to reach out to people to maintain a connection. It wasn’t just limited to the two of them, there was no one immune to that. I think the very last time I did talk to my baby brother I was drunk and I angrily told him as much. My baby brother, like most of the men in my Life, this admission was peeshawed away and paid no mind to, and I was honestly content with leaving things just as they were. In doing the work to become me to this point, I had to come to a point where I was no longer running after people begging them to be a part of my Life. It was draining, exhausting, and actually affecting my health. So with that being said, I let my baby brother live his life and he let me do the same.

I said all the above to say that while his passing has hit me hard, it was kind of like he was “gone” anyway, so I was able to process and accept his transition with compassion and closure. I’d received regular updates from my father about his well-being so I knew he was all right up to that point, and vis versa. But even with that self directed acceptance, I have been wondering what was it that kept him from reaching out to begin with? What was it about me, or what is it I could have possibly done to keep him from even wanting to reach out? I try not to dwell on certain things that I can’t control (actually, I think as a Sagittarius I’m incapable of doing so… Unless that thing is a man), so until he’s ready to reveal what it could possibly be I’ll shelve the question.

But I keep returning to the topic of being toxic to others, even though most often this toxicity is not deliberate. For the most part, I don’t think the majority of people have malicious intent when dealing with people. We are all fighting our own battles trying to make sense of Life, and sometimes our unhealed/ignored wounds bleed on those around us. But intent does not excuse the work we need to do to repair ourselves and work to make good those we have hurt on accident, and never do the hurt again. Before that can be good, one has to embrace the idea that sometimes, you are the Bad Guy in someone’s story. On one hand, it could be due to their wounded perception, but most often it’s because of yours. No one wants to see themselves in that light, of course, but not wanting something doesn’t make it cease to exist. You have to acknowledge that side of yourself and work to redirect that “bad guy” part of yourself.

I used to make it a point to ask others if I’d ever done anything to hurt them, or if I was a bad person due to my actions towards them. Some of those others denied it, and some were able to be upfront and honest. A lot of the times I would apologize, but then I’d totally make that apology null and void by trying to justify my actions and implore them to understand. Sure, I wasn’t intentionally trying to hurt them, but how many times have I invalidated their feelings with my excuses?

This past week I have been working on an exercise of writing apology journal entries to those people, like my baby brother, Mr. Smith, and my grandmother, who are not here to hear me apologize for the toxic part I played in their lives. I’m also making a list of those I know I’ve hurt while I was hurting and offering an apology as well, whether I can speak to them or not. My biggest apologies will be for my children, and in the same respect, I have been able to apologize to my parents who were also able to apologize to me for the toxic part we’ve played in each other’s Lives.

This is a great restorative work that I am committed to so that I can continue to step into my authentic space and lighten the burden I’ve been carrying around. It will go a long way to mending the divide within myself and cultivating a wholeness of both shadow and light in balance.

Shedding The Layers!

Writing Prompt Wednesday 4

Image courtesy of Michelle Andres © 2014

If you had a theme song, what would it be?

From the moment I first heard it, She’s Always A Woman by Billy Joel has resonated with my soul! Keep in mind, I was born in 1973 and the song was released in 1977, so there is no question that The Universe meant this song for me because I was so far from being a woman at that time but instinctively knew it was to be embraced. The song paints a woman in all her various shades: the “innocent” white, the ambiguous grey, and the “menacing” black. The song displays the multifaceted persona that is a woman that has been hidden behind a veil of “shoulds” created by society. I’ve always, always, known I was more than just sugar and spice, and this song was confirmation from Source of how I was to develop into knowing and loving myself fully.

When I transition, I want this song played at my Life Celebration because it truly speaks to who I AM, all I’d ever been, and all I’d evolved into. I desire to be embraced for all that I AM – the good, the bad, the ugly – as I work to become more. And I feel this song is a good introduction to all who would like to know me holistically. Of course, it’s just a surface introduction because along with the lyrics is a rhythm and melody that needs deeper explanation. But it’s a good start, I think.

She can kill with a smile, she can wound with her eyes
She can ruin your faith with her casual lies
And she only reveals what she wants you to see
She hides like a child but she’s always a woman to me
She can lead you to love, she can take you or leave you
She can ask for the truth but she’ll never believe you
And she’ll take what you give her as long as it’s free

Yeah she steals like a thief but she’s always a woman to me
Oh, she takes care of herself, she can wait if she wants
She’s ahead of her time
Oh, she never gives out and she never gives in
She just changes her mind

And she’ll promise you more than the garden of Eden
Then she’ll carelessly cut you and laugh while you’re bleeding
But she brings out the best and the worst you can be

Blame it all on yourself ’cause she’s always a woman to me
Oh, she takes care of herself, she can wait if she wants
She’s ahead of her time
Oh, she never gives out and she never gives in
She just changes her mind

She is frequently kind and she’s suddenly cruel
She can do as she pleases, she’s nobody’s fool
But she can’t be convicted, she’s earned her degree
And the most she will do is throw shadows at you
But she’s always a woman to me

Always A Woman!

Confession 7

If you are going through The Valley right now, do yourself a favour and do a quick self check of what it is you are getting out of being there, and make a physical list of the positive and negative attributes of where you are. This is especially important if you find yourself revisiting The Valley due to repetitive circumstances. Do not accept “I DON’T KNOW” from yourself… Get real raw, gritty, honest with yourself when you answer. You are always getting *something* out of every experience you undergo, and part of the reason you continue to return to certain Valleys is because there is an aspect of comfort there for you. Realistically, “comfort” doesn’t always come from pretty, shiny, positive spaces. Sometimes comfort comes through uncomfortable spaces that we’ve accepted because we do not want to do the work out of fear that we will fail if we change. Real talk. Most abused people remain in abusive relationships (for example) because there is comfort in knowing what to expect… Even though what is expected is to live in hell on Earth. Once you do this — in real time, not just thinking about it in passing — it will help you focus on the HOW you’re going to need to cultivate in order to ascend, and help transform your Valley time into the healing space it’s meant to be. You NEED this and cannot afford to put it off any longer. Trust me.

And on a final note… Until you are willing to make this step into doing the work to save yourself, your Valleys are going to continue to get deeper and darker and lead you to a cover of hopelessness that can lead to you losing your Life… Literally and figuratively. Looking back you may notice that each trip into The Valley has been more intense than the time before, and that’s because you are ignoring the work you need to do. I have experienced this with the fire of my altar, and I personally know that if I don’t make the moves to transform and step into the Life I was meant for, the fire next time will bigger and more damaging. I’m not willing to lose any more of myself and the Life I’m creating due to my own negligence. I can’t afford it.

Go Within And Be Well…

Confession 6

Last week I had a reading done by the amazing Regina Larue of Intuitive Readings By Regina and the first thing that came up is there is a spirit that has been shadowing me and weighing me down. And today… My maternal grandmother made it known, without question, it’s her.

For YEARS I have felt a heaviness in my soul, and for most of my life I have felt unseen and ignored. And today… My maternal grandmother made it clear that she has been trying to get me to make peace with that, by making peace with her because she felt this way all of her life as well.

I’ve always heard I look and act just like her, but I never really felt a connection to/with her. And the last time I saw her alive she requested I help her bathe. At that point she couldn’t speak, and she couldn’t recognize who anyone was… But she knew me instantly and her face lit up.

I’ve got a shit ton of healing to do going forward because I am being called to a spiritual plateau where I will be called to lead by example and conjure on a grander scale than I ever imagined possible. And the way I have to do that is heal my grandmother who never had a chance to truly heal herself.

The day my altar burned down was the day I was reborn. And the day of my reading, I figured out why…

In cinere…

PS… Happy Solar Return, Mr. Smith…

Writing Prompt Wednesday 3

Image courtesy of Michelle Andres © 2014

The biggest lesson(s) I’ve learned from anxiety is/are…

By far, the biggest lesson I have learned from my anxiety is patience, which I was never really big on in regular situations either. After suffering through so many self induced panic attacks only to discover there really wasn’t any real reason to worry, I have come to terms with the fact that taking time out to access the situation patiently helped me shape my perspective of it tremendously. Without rushing to judge the situation or react in an effort to stave off potential disaster, I find I can come up with a rational resolution quickly and easily if I take a step back, breathe, and assess the situation through calm. Whereas before I would find myself mentally spinning my wheels and grabbing for that fourth or fifth glass of whatever adult beverage was at hand, and being no closer to a solution than I was to start with. Or worse… Find myself out on the street, without a car, or without a job because I wasted time and energy worrying instead of resolving the issue.

I think we all fear the unknown, but patient preparation in the face of it goes a long way towards restoring the situation to rights… if it comes to that. And most times, panicking causes us to create a stressful energy field that brings about problems where there weren’t any from jump.

Of course, I have not perfected the process, and sometimes I catch myself after freaking out for no real good reason known to man. But it is a process, and I am human, and as long as I’m mindful of those two things I consider myself two steps ahead of the game… Instead of finding myself ten steps back.

Here’s to Life Lessons!

Confession 5

For those who aren’t aware, I lost my altar to a fire two weeks ago on a Wednesday, as captured in the below pictures. The first picture was taken the night before it happened, the second the night of, and the third the next morning. The fire was caused by the protection candle I had lit exploding (you can see the remains of the candle on the balcony). The IG caption was aimed at Mr. McKinnon who had gone MIA four days before and, as you can see, there was absolutely nothing left of my altar and the fire remained contained to that spot.

I believe in signs, Magickal Readers, and this was a very big one. I have *never* had a candle explode, and I leave them burning unattended all the time.The candle was basically me giving way to all the stress I’ve been bottling up for the past three years, and the altar was the Life I’ve been settling for over the past year. This is an unquestionable message from the Universe that it’s time to stop fucking around. It’s time to stop settling… It’s time to step onto The Path and walk it like a catwalk… It’s time to release all the shit that’s served as a weight… IT’S TIME TO CUT THE GAMES AND GLOW THE FUCK UP!

Magickal Readers… If you are in The Valley right now, feel free to take my experience as your message that it’s time to ascend and take back your personal power. Snatch that shit back like you own it… Because you do! Let this be a lesson that once you answer the call to practice, the Universe will only let you procrastinate for so long before it drop kicks you out of your safety nest. I have been losing things for the past year, all the while ignoring the message behind each loss, until now when it has become clear, Source is not fucking around with me anymore. It’s time. It’s past time. Work needs to be done and moves need to be made, and ain’t nobody else gonna do it or make them for me. Or you.

Get to work, Magickal Readers! No more broom closets. No more “wait and see”. No more Life Hokey Pokey.

Get. To. WORK!